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Author: stepadm

Try not to doubt yourself

Posted on by stepadm

As a step parent, doubting yourself and feeling sick either just before your stepchildren come over or just after they leave is not uncommon.

Most people are driven from a place of goodness and ideals. But such dreams and situations are sometimes shattered by stepchildren’s behaviour- no matter how old they are!

The fact that you are a step parent shows you are someone with strong values who has stepped up and is determined to make a difference in someone’s life.

You have made a choice to love and care for someone else’s children when others may have walked away or put it in the ‘too hard’ basket.

As human beings, we want to be liked and loved by everyone we meet. Whether it’s at work, school, sporting organisations, wherever.

Children can be cruel. Stepchildren sometimes even crueller. Your stepchildren are unlikely to become your number one fans immediately. They are experiencing a lot of change in their lives.

 

It is normal for a whole gamut of emotions to greet you each time and often run through a whole weekend leaving you confused, exhausted and often in tears that they or your partner will not see.

What we all forget is that if you are a stepmother and they are living with their mother and you are having them every alternate fortnight you cannot undo all the ‘pumping up’ that has been done in the intervening days or weeks.

All you can do is be responsible for what you say, when you say it, how you say it and why you say it.

Children don’t have the same emotional ability to be able to process all the emotions which can manifest themselves in different ways such as when one of their parents marries or goes out with someone new.

Families are confusing but stepfamilies and blended families even more so!

Initially you may get on fantastically well with your stepchildren leading you to wonder why any well-meaning friend or another friend who is already a step parent is giving you advice and warnings about what you are taking on.

“That won’t happen to me,” you tell yourself. “These kids are different.”

Truth is, quite often, when your stepchildren realize that this is now reality and you are in their lives and going to be in their lives permanently, the claws come out and you are left completely stunned!

In other situations, the stepchild may ignore you and keep up bad behaviour for years. All you can do is not stoop to their level of behaviour.

Your partner needs to have some proper face-to-face chats with their children.

Explaining that it is completely normal for them to have mixed feelings about you now being in and part of their lives has to happen. And also, that it is normal for them to actually want you out of their lives.

But they have to clearly explain that you are part of the family and are not going anywhere.

There is no crystal ball, no magic spell and no guarantee of success in step parenting, just as it in life generally.

It is important t
dren and it is very difficult for anyone to accept their offspring are not treating the person who has chosen to love them and you in the right way.

Sometimes many years pass by and the stepparent has quietly made the decision within themselves that they have tried their absolute best when it comes to their stepchild but they are not a doormat and actions speak louder than words.

They love their partner but when it comes to their stepchild sadly they will just have to accept that they are not accepted by them and that hurts.

If the stepchild cannot see what you have tried to do throughout the years for them, then you cannot blame yourself for their behaviour. You have tried and that is all you can do, so it will be their loss in the end.

National Stepfamilies Day Australia 26th July 2020

Posted on by stepadm

 

The last Sunday in July is National Stepfamilies Day – a day which recognises and celebrates the many different family types in Australia and acknowledges the important role stepparents can play in childrens’ lives.

It might be a new concept in Australia, but the day has been recognised in the United States and other countries around the world for more than 20 years.

It is a belated but very important day to recognise the vital role many stepparents fulfil every day to help raise children right across our nation.

Stepparents are too often the forgotten people within the dynamics of modern families. Their role in helping to parent the children in their family is often overlooked.

They do not have the biological and legal recognitions that parents have but they play such an important role that definitely deserves recognition and celebration.

These are people who have made the choice to step up when they could have so easily put it all in the too hard basket and walked away.

Step and Blended Families are the fastest growing family type in Australia. Latest census data shows that while there are around six million families, stepfamilies now account for more than 10% or 600,000 families across our great land.

Being a stepparent is not exactly on anybody’s bucket list. Nobody ever says I’d really love to be a stepparent one day and likewise no stepchild dreams of having a stepparent either.

It is a role which actually chooses you, rather than you choosing it.

One of the biggest challenges in defining your role as a stepparent is trying to work out when that role actually begins!

The majority of stepparents choose to make a positive difference in the life of their stepchild. They do not sign up for the emotional games, the bad-mouthing games and in the worst cases the legal minefield that they are often subjected to.

They sign up not realising that establishing relationships with their step-kids can sometimes take years and years rather than weeks or months.

Many friends and relatives mean well. However, THE most annoying thing you can say to any stepparent, especially those enduring drama at the time, is to say, “well, you knew what you signed up for.” The stepparent will quickly simply change the subject and never mention it again.

Successful parenting does not just simply happen.

It is a tough job at the best of times but helping to parent someone’s else child is a whole different ball game complete with challenges many biological parents simply don’t realise.

More often than not, stepparenting is more about copping criticism than claiming credit.

Blending a new family should not all fall on the stepparent, it needs both the biological parent and the stepparent to be working together.

Stepparents do not want a medal. They do not want to replace a biological parent. But want they do want is some recognition that they exist rather than being ignored by others.

And so, a little shout out for all those stepparents on this special day. Remember this: most of the “well-meaning” advice you get about stepparenting and blended families comes from people who are not stepparents and do not live in a blended family.

When a stepparent has fallen in love with someone who has children, they are choosing to love that person. They accept that the person already comes with children as part of the package.

There is no one right way to stepparent in a stepparent family, but there is always one right way to behave towards other human beings and that is with respect.

The fundamental value of having good communication in a stepfamily between the stepparents and biological parents so that everyone can be on the same page working together for the benefit of the children cannot be underestimated and has never been more important.

Stepfamily and Blended family life, even at its happiest, is still far more complex than most people could even begin to imagine.

It is not the stepparent’s job to ‘fix’ their stepchildren but it is their job to do the best they possibly can under the circumstances.

Stepchildren and biological children in the same home cannot be parented in exactly the same way. There will be different ages, personalities, needs and histories.

Parenting is not a competition. There is room for both stepparents and parents to play the most important role they will do in their lives.

During the last few months, Covid-19 has shone the torch on the need for many partners to bury the hatred and start discussing proper parenting plans to deal with the challenges of shared parenting. Home schooling and disrupted visiting schedules needed to be dealt with.

No family is perfect and hopefully if your family dynamics have improved during lockdown you can keep them that way.

Life is short. This Sunday, just simply appreciate that stepparent within your family’s life and realise nine times out of 10, they truly do appreciate you for being you. So, thank them for being there when they might have chosen to walk away instead.

 

 

About the Author: Karalee Katsambanis is an accomplished Australian TV commentator, journalist, columnist and media trainer. She has worked across Australia’s mainstream TV, radio, newspapers, magazines and online for the past 20 years. She is a mother of 3 children and stepmother of 2 young adults. Her book “Step Parenting with Purpose – everything you wanted to know but were too afraid to ask” provides invaluable insights and advice to those beginning or already on their stepparenting journey.

www.karaleekatsambanis.com

Top 10 Tips for Step Parents

Posted on by stepadm

Guest Blogger: Karalee Katsambanis

Ask anyone and they’ll tell you that parenting is a challenge at the best of times.

Stepparenting, shared parenting, coparenting and blended families are becoming more and more common around the world. Here are my top 10 tips for you, if you start feeling a little overwhelmed. You will not be the only stepparent who might feel the way you do right now. Chances are the majority of us have been through the particular challenge facing you now. You are not alone. Deep breath and relax.

1. You will never reach a point of absolute perfection.

No family- let alone a step or blended family- is perfect and more importantly, no human is perfect.

2. There is no one size fits all when it comes to stepparenting.

What works in my situation may not work for you but remain open-minded and realistic to be willing to try and/or change.

3. Talk to people about your feelings to avoid ‘blow up’ stage.

Talking and letting people know how you feel and not bottling it up and feeling alone within your step or blended family is a crucial key in finding workable solutions…. and not getting to ‘blow up’ stage.

4. You cannot command respect if you are not respectful towards others.

You may not like a member of your step or blended family and that’s perfectly ok, but they have a right to their opinion as well, even if it is not shared by you.

5. Stepparenting is not a competition.

Remember stepparents actually do not want to replace a biological parent. They are there to enhance a child’s life experience.

6. As a stepparent, it is actually not your job to solve or fix your stepchildren.

But it is your job to do the best you possibly can from a good place in your heart. Sometimes you will have a win, sometimes you will have a loss.

7. You cannot change what you don’t acknowledge.

Very few people can accept their failures, when you do, your world becomes easier, far more workable and you find far more common ground.

8. If you have an agenda, other than wanting to just make a difference in your stepchild’s life, you will fail spectacularly- and so you should!

9. Stepparenting revolves around commitment, compromise, compassion and making that difference.

Everyone should realise that being a stepparent or having a stepparent means stepchildren will always have another person who will teach them and love them.

10. You will never have all the answers to all the issues that crop up in step parenting and blended families.

But, by telling and sharing your story of how you have worked through and overcome what you are going through right now, it will actually become part of someone else’s survival guide.

About the Author: Karalee Katsambanis is an accomplished Australian TV commentator, journalist, columnist and media trainer. She has worked across Australia’s mainstream TV, radio, newspapers, magazines and online for the past 20 years. She is a mother of 3 children and stepmother of 2 young adults. Her book “Step Parenting with Purpose – everything you wanted to know but were too afraid to ask” provides invaluable insights and advice to those beginning or already on their stepparenting journey.

www.karaleekatsambanis.com

Support for Families and Individuals During COVID-19

Posted on by stepadm

We’re Still Here For You

drummond street services is still supporting families during this very challenging time. We provide a range of services and programs to support children, young people, families, relationships and communities. Give us a call and chat with our staff about what’s going on for you and your family. They’ll let you know what support we can offer and help link you up with other services that you might need.

COVID-19 and families

We know that COVID-19 has put extra pressure on many families. This might be isolation from family, friends and community, financial stress, loss of employment, strains on relationships, having to balance caring for children, working from home and home learning, fear and anxiety about your own and your loved ones’ health, and separation from usual supports and activities that help to keep us happy and healthy.

What We Offer

We provide services across the northern (Yarra, Darebin, Hume, Banyule, Moreland, Whittlesea & Mitchell) and western (Brimbank, Geelong & Wyndham) metropolitan region of Melbourne and in Geelong.

You can access the following free services:

  • Relationship and family counselling and support
  • Family mental health support
  • Parent coaching and support
  • Groups and seminars on a range of parenting and relationship issues
  • Individual counselling, for children and adults (a fee may apply)
  • Specialist support for families who are expecting a baby and for those with a baby up to 1-year-old
  • Support for stepfamilies

During COVID-19, we want to make sure that you, your families and our staff can stay safe and well, so currently we are offering our support by either telephone or Zoom. Appointments can be made to fit in with the needs of you and your family.

Interpreting services are available including multilingual staff, please ask.

If you think drummond street can support you and your family, please call us on 9663 6733

Online information and video clips for your family are also available at www.ds.org.au/info-for-families-in-isolation

COVID-19 Response – Message from our CEO Karen Field

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COVID-19 Response: We are here and not going anywhere, but how we stay in touch, deliver services may change as the community grapples with responding to COVID-19.

This is a message to all drummond street service users, communities, sector friends, community organisations, support groups and suppliers.

drummond street services want to reassure you we will continue to deliver the services you need during the COVID-19 crisis. However, the way we do this may change as everyone grapples with the new challenges COVID-19 brings to our interactions. drummond street services operations will also continue throughout the crisis, however some will be modified.

We have been working to develop a COVID-19 service continuity plan to ensure we continue to respond to community needs and provide counselling, support and information over the coming weeks and months.

Firstly, we will transition from face-to-face client contact and outreach services to digital platforms as well as phone and video services. We will expand this over time to move online for groups, seminars, and community education and resources.

drummond street services will also respond to needs and issues which arise in communities as a direct result of COVID-19, such as managing good mental health, tips for working from home and managing social isolation.

Contacting drummond street services and booking appointments remains the same, simply phone 03 9663 6733 during business hours for all general enquiries or 1800LGBTIQ for LGBTIQ communities.

We will post live updates and information regarding any changes to the mode of our service delivery on all our social media platforms and websites – so stay tuned.

Further information:

For further information regarding COVID-19 we recommend the following sites and numbers:

  • DHHS information on Coronavirus (about the illness and symptoms) – please click here.
  • DHHS Information, updates and advice about the outbreak of the coronavirus disease – please click here.
  • DHHS translated Coronavirus materials – please click here.
  • The Australian Department of Health translated materials – please click here.
  • Coronavirus Health Information Line: 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Phone: 1800 020 080
  • healthdirect hotline: This hotline is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and you can speak to a registered nurse about any health concerns.
    Phone: 1800 022 222
    Website – please click here.

Becoming a Stepfamily- A Teenagers guide

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I didn’t choose this, why do I have to live with these people

 

Teenagers are probably the most challenging when creating a new stepfamily – here are some tips for them to help them adjust to their new family!

When you are in a stepfamily you might feel:

  • Sad or angry that your family has changed.
  • Under pressure to like your new stepparent.
  • Pleased that this nice person has come into your family and your mum or dad is a lot happier but it’s still weird sometimes.
  • Split in half – so it feels hard to stay close and be loyal to both parents at first.
  • Left out, because your parent gives the new partner a lot of attention.
  • Annoyed that this stepparent also comes with their own kids you have to deal with.

Ideas that can help:

  1. Make a list of things you like doing (playing music, being part of a club or a sports team). Fill up your week and spend time with friends so you are not so focussed on what’s happening at home.
  2. Ask for support from your friends. You will probably be surprised that when you share your story they will tell you that things aren’t exactly perfect in their family either.
  3. Keep a diary or a blog about what it’s like to be in a stepfamily. It can help you feel better and it’s good to look back when things have changed.
  4. Work on accepting that in life – there are some things that you just can’t change. Think about it and work out what you DO and DON’T have control over (e.g. you can’t control how someone else acts, just how you respond to them).
  5. Be smart and make a plan to be respectful towards your stepparent – whether you like them or not. Saying normal things like good morning, hi and bye, thanks for dinner etc. will stop them complaining about you to your parent. Everyone deserves respect and if you are communicating civilly then you can ask them to do the same (eg “Please speak to me nicely, like I speak to you”).
  6. Request a family meeting if you have a big problem to discuss. Make sure you LISTEN to other people’s point of view and ask them to then listen to yours without interrupting. Stay calm and be clear about what you want, rather than getting angry and walking off in a bad mood.
  7. If you have things to say to your family members but you feel uncomfortable about it – then write them a letter. It can be a good chance to explain why you have behaved as you have, and tell them how you would like things to be in the future.
  8. If you don’t like your new stepparent disciplining you (setting rules and consequences) then ask that this be handled by your parent. You don’t have to be horrible about it just say “I think that would work better for everyone” – adults don’t know all the answers, they are going through a transition period too.
  9. Recontact old friends or extended family you haven’t seen for a while. It feels good to be connected to other people who know you well.
  10. This is a challenging one… try to imagine what life is like for your stepparent. They probably didn’t choose this situation either, they just fell in love with your parent. If you are brave enough you can ask them “So what’s this family situation like for you” and listen to what they have to say, even if you don’t agree with all of it – just asking the question will improve things. If you can go easy on them for a while you might find they show a different side of themselves and things get easier. Sometimes young people can be the ones that fix up these situations because the adults don’t always know how.
  11. Let the little things go – try not to make a fight over every small detail. If your somebody annoys you try walking away. You have better things to do with your time.

It is ok to seek out some positive support during this time.

See a counsellor that is familiar with parenting and stepfamily dynamics. They can help with things like communication skills and managing your emotions.

Where to access further help:

  • Stepfamilies Australia stepfamily.org.au
  • Family Relationships Advice Line 1800 050 321
  • Lifeline 13 11 14
  • Raising Children www.raisingchildren.net.au

FOR ALL THE ‘OTHER MOTHERS’

Posted on by stepadm

Recognising ‘ALL’ Stepmothers/Other Mothers/ Spare mothers/ on Mother’s Day May 12th
Posted by: Phoebe Wallish

There are over a million of us living in step and blended families Anyone willing to take on the care of another’s child deserves our appreciation and recognition! Step and blended families start off as strangers however with care, patience, persistence, love and lots of time they can go on to build strong, supportive relationships.

Did you know:

Step and blended families are the fastest growing family type in Australia.

 

Did you know:

That if Bill Shorten becomes our next Prime Minister, it will be the FIRST stepfamily to live in the lodge!

 

Did you know:

Many families don’t like the word ‘Stepfamily’ and therefore don’t identify as being in a stepfamily. Making these families much more common then we think!

 
Mother’s Day is just one day of 365 days to recognise and acknowledge the role of all women and all female carers; mothers, stepmothers, grandmothers, guardians, carers in their often unsung and unpaid roles as carers of Australian children. Biology is not the only determinant of family relationships, with contemporary Australian families coming in many different forms, histories and origins. Taking on the care of somebody’s children is always something that deserves our acknowledgement, respect, appreciation and celebration.

The work we do through Stepfamilies Australia (www.stepfamily.org.au) brings us in contact with many stepmothers and every year, as Mother’s Day approaches they ask for advice on how they should behave or the expectations they should have on Mother’s Day?

We say:

  • The biological parents need to take the lead. On Mother’s Day or any other day, a child should not be coerced to thank their stepparent. Thanks, and acknowledgement towards all female carers should be encouraged from biological or primary parents
  • Keep your expectations real. Stepparents start as strangers, relationships rely on history and shared experiences. The first 5 years are the trickiest time and these relationships are still forming.
  • Be patient. Cards and presents are great, but this might take a while and will also depend on the age of the child/children. Children naturally feel guilty, like they are betraying their biological parent by giving cards and gifts to step parents.
  • Use lots of communication. Silence breeds assumptions. It is so important to talk about these special days. Bring it up so the children know that its ok to thank their stepmum and also have the language to do so.

Our founder Margaret Howden has written an awesome book “Ossie’s World Upside Down” about a 10 year old boy, Ossie going through the process of being in a stepfamily. It is not only warm and funny but is great as a conversation starter with your children about the unique challenges that step and blended families face. Buy your copy from our website, all profits go towards helping other step and blended families https://stepfamily.org.au/book/ossies-world-upside-down/

On our Stepfamilies Australia website www.stepfamily.org.au you can find further information, tips, resources and links to advice and support that promote the best outcomes for children, young people, parents and stepparents.

When They Leave

Posted on by stepadm

Guest Blogger: Sydney Ferguson

Generally we have the care of my step sons every second weekend, give or take special days, school holidays or when alternative arrangements are made by my Husband and the boy’s mum. If I am brutally honest I find I take longer than I would like to adjust to the boys being in our home and even longer to re-adjust when they leave. Over the last three years or so I’m not sure I have really quickened up that adjustment process. However I feel that most times I handle the hellos and goodbyes better than I did when I first experienced them about four years ago.

When my Husband began getting the boys ready to return home this weekend, which included putting their ‘home’ clothes on and gathering any items they had brought to our house for the weekend, I felt dread creeping through me. We had had a very relaxed, enjoyable weekend at home and I wasn’t ready to say goodbye. I was also feeling incredibly tired as my son hadn’t been sleeping well over the past few nights. Having the insight to know I wasn’t handling things well I put a plan in place. My priority is and has always been the boys, so I busied myself getting a snack ready for them. I asked them about ‘safe’ topics, topics which were not emotionally stressful for me, like what the week at school had in store for them. In no time they were in the car with my Husband with my son and I waving them goodbye from the gate. I am proud to say I kissed them all goodbye and stated truthfully what a wonderful weekend I had with them. I hope they didn’t see an ounce of my sadness as it is not their fault the emotions I am feeling.

I had planned prior that I would feed my son as usual, put on my favourite TV show then once my son was asleep I would sit down for dinner and completely leave all the house chores until the next day. I also diffused some of my favourite, calming essential oils of lavender and cedarwood. Sometimes when the boys leave I distract myself by doing house chores however because I felt particularly exhausted today I decided some couch time was better for my nerves and unsettled mind. It did help as before I knew it my Husband had returned home and we chatted about the weekend and things the boys said/did. This has always been a very special time for my Husband and I to wind down after a full weekend with the boys. It has become an increasingly important time for us to communicate especially on topics surrounding our children. In our busy lives carving out a set, regular time to talk is precious to both of us.

I’ve learnt to be honest with my Husband, even when I express negative thoughts, feelings or opinions. So I let him know that I was really missing the boys already and to my surprise he was missing the boys more than usual too. We were able to support each other more because of this mutual understanding and I received a very sweet text message from him the following day. Usually on the weekends that I find it hard to say goodbye, the feeling lasts for a few days following, my Husband now knows that about me hence the text message.

What I hope is that some part of this post might help a step mum or dad when you have to say goodbye. I’ve had to try a few things to work out what eases the sad feelings for me. Acknowledging it’s hard and challenging to adjust to children coming and going is vital. Most of us are doing the best we can, that is also worth acknowledging too.

About the Author: Sydney Ferguson* might be a pseudonym however the experiences she shares are true. A mum to a four month old boy, step mum to three boys aged 6, 10, 12, wife, daughter, sister and aunty who resides in Australia. Her house always has country music playing in the background and you can find Sydney most days working with the horses, gardening or practicing yoga. Blessed with one dog, two horses and multiple chickens and birds, she is not only a human mum but also a fur mumma too and loves both of these roles. The aim of her sharing her experiences is to connect step mums and provide a safe place for discussion on the unique, confronting and sometimes humorous challenges faced in this role. You can find her sharing her experiences at fb.me/mystepmumjourney or guest writing for numerous mum blogs nationally and internationally. Connect with Sydney through @mystepmumjourney and through  mystepmumjourney@outlook.com

Keeping Mentally Fit

Posted on by stepadm

Guest Blogger: Sydney Ferguson

I absolutely love Yoga, not that I’m particularly good at it but since Year 11 in high school I’ve practiced it in different class settings for various periods of time. I always knew I wanted to try a pre-natal yoga class when I was pregnant and I loved it so much I returned to a class when my baby was about 3 months old.

We had all introduced ourselves and babies at the beginning of the class and I included that I was a step mum to three boys. On this particular day I was feeling quite stressed, having just had an indirect confrontation with the boys mum via my Husband. It was nothing major just a rude reminder that as a step mum I have very little say in parenting decisions, especially when it came to schooling. Logically I understand why this is however my love of the boys and the parenting ‘duties’ I undertake when they are in our care cause my emotions to react differently.

All of this emotional and mental self talk was going on in my head as I entered the class and continued on for quite some time. At the end of the class my instructor asked me if everything was okay as she had noticed I wasn’t quite myself. I became teary (as is a common emotional reaction for me) and explained I was mentally exhausted today. I added that I felt I had gotten nothing from today’s class and not sure why I came.

However my instructor’s voice of reason stuck with me and became the inspiration for this post. She described the analogy of training for a competitive sport, which as a side note many professional athletes include mental health ‘training’ in various forms as part of their preparation. She stated that an athlete doesn’t train at 100% of their best at every single training session, that doesn’t mean they don’t train. She also went onto say, as I have heard before, that we wouldn’t expect to win a sport, or even participate in it, had we not attended some sort of training. So why do we so often expect our mind to have the strength and be able to keep up with the extraordinary amount of stress life places on it without undertaking some form of training?

Being a step mum has been one, if not the biggest, challenge in my life so far. I think when I first met my step children I began to run a marathon with no prior training or knowledge of the route that it would take me on. Although at this session of yoga I felt I got very little out of it, still taking the class and the cumulative effect it has had on my mental health has been positive. No one else in my family is the step mum, or mum, and therefore I don’t expect anyone else to do the ‘training’ that my mind needs to function healthily. I still feel incredibly stressed at times, as this post alludes to. However I strongly believe that prioritising activities which ease my mental load and help me deal with the challenges that I face has made a significant, postive, difference in how I be a step mum.

About the Author: Sydney Ferguson* might be a pseudonym however the experiences she shares are true. A mum to a four month old boy, step mum to three boys aged 6, 10, 12, wife, daughter, sister and aunty who resides in Australia. Her house always has country music playing in the background and you can find Sydney most days working with the horses, gardening or practicing yoga. Blessed with one dog, two horses and multiple chickens and birds, she is not only a human mum but also a fur mumma too and loves both of these roles. The aim of her sharing her experiences is to connect step mums and provide a safe place for discussion on the unique, confronting and sometimes humorous challenges faced in this role. You can find her sharing her experiences at fb.me/mystepmumjourney or guest writing for numerous mum blogs nationally and internationally. Connect with Sydney through @mystepmumjourney and through  mystepmumjourney@outlook.com

Helping your Stepfamily over the Holidays – ‘The Survival Guide’

Posted on by stepadm

AUSTRALIAN STEPFAMILIES FACE THEIR MOST CHALLENGING TIME

Helping your Stepfamily over the Holidays – ‘The Survival Guide’

Contemporary Australian families look significantly different to what they did a generation ago.  Step and blended families are our fastest growing family types and face unique difficulties over this so called “most wonderful time of the year”.

“More than a million of us are in stepfamilies, and they can be a truly wonderful, and at  other times very challenging,,” says Stepfamilies Australia Executive Officer, Phoebe Wallish.

Peak organisation STEPFAMILIES AUSTRALIA www.stepfamily.org.au has released a ‘Stepfamily Survival Guide for the Holidays’, along with a useful book appropriate for  the whole family to offer some help to the 1 in 5 of us in step and blended families to positively communicate with one another at this often stressful time of year..

STEPPING UP Tip for less stress in the holiday season:

  1. Be realistic with your expectations – It is the season of giving – so ‘give’ a little, accept that it not always possible to please everyone, including yourself! You may have to divide up your holidays or ‘your time’ with the children.  It doesn’t all have to be on the one day, suggest options and be open to later in the week or even in the New Year, make the getting together NOT the day itself count.
  2. Spending time rather than money – Presents are good, but children do want happy, fun and calm times with their parents and their families – these are the memories that they store and recall as adults.  Focus on experiences and memories by making the most of your time together.
  3. Honour the ‘old’ and Create the ‘new’.  Family traditions are so important! Ensure you keep some traditions from before you blended, as kids hold onto these, but also create new traditions as stepfamily. It is a good opportunity to involve everyone to ‘cherry-pick’ the best of your combined and collective family histories and experiences.
  4. Offer time, support and understanding – particularly for stepchildren and stepsiblings, acknowledging at first that they have no shared family histories. Don’t pressure kids to feel or act in certain ways. Make the time special for all whatever it might look like.
  5. Remember perfect families don’t exist – Despite manufactured, media images of perfect families – no family (stepfamily or otherwise) is immune from holiday conflicts, divided loyalties, competition. Try to be in the moment and enjoy what you can – All things pass with time – including the good and the bad – knowing this can help.
  6. Long-distance parenting can be hard, particularly at this time of year – Make sure you plan ahead and have something positive for yourself to do on the day.  You may not be able to be there with your children but keep communication open and positive – Kids these days use phones to text, email, Facebook, Instagram etc.  It is not the same, but it is the next best thing and you will have something to share when you next see one another.

Stepfamilies Australia’s Book for the Holidays – Ossie’s World Upside Down by Margaret Howden

Stepfamilies Australia’s founder, Margaret Howden has written a wonderful family book “Ossie’s World Upside Down”.  It is about Ossie, a 10 year old boy, adjusting to the changes in his family. It is a warm, funny and affirming read, as well as  great conversation starter for parents to talk with their  children about the dealing with the changes that step and blended families face.

Buy your copy for the holidays at https://stepfamily.org.au/book/ossies-world-upside-down/ (any profits go towards helping other step and blended families)

When things seem all too hard, it is important to reach out, connect and get some advice. It can be the most positive thing you can do for yourself, your children and your relationships.  The Stepfamilies Australia website www.stepfamily.com.au  has some advice and helpful links, as well as connecting with professional support and other stepfamilies through our Facebook page where you can connect with others who understand the ups and downs of stepfamilies. We also have some tips for school holiday activities to help during this time.  https://ds.org.au/boredom-busters-for-the-school-holidays/

Interviews:

For all media enquires please contact Phoebe Wallish on phoebe.wallish@ds.org.au

Some Stepfamilies stats that important to know:

  • 76% of homeless teens come from step and sole parent families (Chamberlain and MacKenzie)
  • 1 in 5 children and young people will grow up in stepfamilies (survey of family research by Pryor and Rodgers, Children in Changing Families: Life after parental separation, Blackwell, 2001)
  • Step mums out number step dads three to one
  • One in 3 marriages is now a remarriage and half of stepfamily couples do not marry (ABS)
  • Family breakdown costs the community $3 billion per year (Commonwealth Parliament Committee report 1998)
  • Stepfamily breakdown rates are twice those of first families – (AIFS research)
  • If parents are not coping with relationship breakdown then they don’t parent well, leading to issues for their children including: higher incidence of mental health issues, drug and alcohol abuse, early teen pregnancy and school leaving, homelessness, antisocial behaviour, crime and suicide

Guilt

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Guest Blogger: Sydney Ferguson

I have always been an incredibly sensitive and emotional person, well before I met my future husband and his three boys. So the feeling of guilt was not unknown to me, however in the role of step mum I feel guilty so often. I’ve learnt this occurs often unnecessarily and to the detriment of my own emotional health.

The other day, actually it was a Monday, the boys had returned home from the weekend with us, and I received a text message from my husband saying ‘the boys are sick’. Now it is quite usual to receive only a few worded message from my husband but my mind raced ahead. I immediately felt guilty: had I given them enough healthy food over the weekend? Enough time to rest? Told them to put jumpers on when the evening came cool? etc.

I also had a number of questions: what type of ‘sick’? Head cold or tummy ache or something else? What were their symptoms? etc.

In this role of being a step mum I have very little control over what information I have supplied to me and very little ability to obtain more. I also had no ability to care for the boys during this time that they were sick. And, almost automatically now, felt guilty for this too.

These thoughts took hold of me for the next half hour or so but I’ve been consciously working on shifting my focus to what I can control and the positive points. So I made my favourite cup of tea and took a couple of minutes to firstly breathe and then look at the situation logically. Firstly I felt all of what I was feeling was relatively natural; I care deeply about the boys and am lucky to have a pretty amazing relationship with each of them. So of course I worry about them and especially their health. I think it is also quite natural for me to want to care for them when they are not well and equally natural for me to feel frustrated that I couldn’t provide that care.

Acknowledging my thoughts and feelings as legitimate is a huge step and really helpful in how I now view myself as a step mum.

What I also acknowledged to be true was the constant thought process or unanswered questions helped no one, including myself. It was very emotionally tiring and fuelled the frustration I felt. I work better on a plan, so I acknowledged my thoughts and then made a plan to speak to my husband after work about how the boys were doing and if he had received any further information about them.

Making a plan, even if that plan changes, helps me gain some control over my mind, my actions and what I can control.

Finally I confirmed to myself that they were in good care. I might not agree with how the boys mum chooses to parent the boys but I know they are well looked after. If they need to seek further medical care they will or if they need to rest then one of their homes is the best place. I also confirmed, perhaps most importantly, that there is no need to doubt my own parenting skills. I am fully aware that I am learning as I go but what parent isn’t? I know how to care for children and having been doing so in a variety of roles for many years now. I love the boys deeply, full stop end of story.

Affirming to myself that I am a good step mum, learning as I go, I don’t need to doubt all of my actions, be perfect all the time or feel guilty at the many challenges I face.

About the Author: Sydney Ferguson* might be a pseudonym however the experiences she shares are true. A mum to a four month old boy, step mum to three boys aged 6, 10, 12, wife, daughter, sister and aunty who resides in Australia. Her house always has country music playing in the background and you can find Sydney most days working with the horses, gardening or practicing yoga. Blessed with one dog, two horses and multiple chickens and birds, she is not only a human mum but also a fur mumma too and loves both of these roles. The aim of her sharing her experiences is to connect step mums and provide a safe place for discussion on the unique, confronting and sometimes humorous challenges faced in this role. You can find her sharing her experiences at fb.me/mystepmumjourney or guest writing for numerous mum blogs nationally and internationally. Connect with Sydney through @mystepmumjourney and through  mystepmumjourney@outlook.com

Medicare

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Guest Blogger: Sydney Ferguson

The other day I had to make the dreaded trip into the Medicare office as my Husband and I decided we wanted ourselves, and all our children, on the same card. I had phoned Medicare and found out that this was possible and the forms that were required.

We didn’t need my step son’s mum’s permission as we were simply copying them onto our card (i.e. they would be on two cards). So I completed the paperwork with my husband’s permission and signature where required (which was everywhere) and took these forms along with our proof of identity documents into the office.

I had my son fed and he was sleeping so with my fingers crossed that he would stay that way I headed in and began the wait to be seen. It didn’t take long at all, actually like five minutes to be called then about 20 minutes while the paperwork was being completed in front of me. However the most surprising thing about this whole process for me wasn’t that it was quick and relatively easy but that there was no judgement from the Medicare staff about our family situation or that I was the boys step mum, organising this sort of paperwork. I am so used to receiving a casual comment, questioning look or downright rude interaction when I explain I am the boys step mum that I generally have my guard up when it comes to undertaking activities with and for them, in which I have the primary responsibility.

In saying this I am very conscious of and prioritise my husband dealing with most circumstances that need the biological parent’s attention. However in our family I tend to handle the paperwork side of things, as well as the medical and currently being on Maternity leave it made sense for me to be submitting these forms at the Medicare office. When so often we hear about the negative experiences dealing with Government departments it is nice to be able to say a few kind words about my experience. I wasn’t judged, talked down to nor questioned as to why I was submitting the forms. The experience has boosted my new found ownership of being the boys step mum. I am placing my focus on figuring out the step mum role and owning it. It is a completely learn – as – I – go process but hey, so is life. And it was nice to have a ‘win’ in this rollercoaster journey.

Image Courtesy of Australian Government Department of Human Services

About the Author: Sydney Ferguson* might be a pseudonym however the experiences she shares are true. A mum to a four month old boy, step mum to three boys aged 6, 10, 12, wife, daughter, sister and aunty who resides in Australia. Her house always has country music playing in the background and you can find Sydney most days working with the horses, gardening or practicing yoga. Blessed with one dog, two horses and multiple chickens and birds, she is not only a human mum but also a fur mumma too and loves both of these roles. The aim of her sharing her experiences is to connect step mums and provide a safe place for discussion on the unique, confronting and sometimes humorous challenges faced in this role. You can find her sharing her experiences at fb.me/mystepmumjourney or guest writing for numerous mum blogs nationally and internationally. Connect with Sydney through @mystepmumjourney and through  mystepmumjourney@outlook.com

Out of My Control

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Guest Blogger: Sydney Ferguson

A huge slice of my step mum experiences can be put into the ‘this is out of my control’ box. Arguably a lot of our lives are out of our complete control however this feeling can be incredibly frustrating. Feeling frustrated I believe has lead me to be over sensitised to some situations, feel sad, had a loss of self esteem and sometimes it has turned into outright anger.

The other day was one of my step son’s birthdays and as I reminded my husband before work to call him we both knew what I meant when I paused. I desperately wished I could say ‘wish him Happy Birthday from me too!’ However our situation is simply too complicated for this to happen, let alone for me to call him personally.

Since the first birthday that occurred when I had met my husband, we agreed that we would celebrate everyone’s birthday on the weekend that fell closest to their actual day. This gave me great joy in coming up with birthday ideas and organising the occasion. However every now and again I just wish that I could see or hear from the boys on their actual birthday. And today was one of those days.

I didn’t have time to mope around for long and got myself to work in a hurry. I was scrolling through Facebook during my lunch break when I came across birthday books. Not specifically for step families they are designed to allow you to write a letter to a child for every year until they are 18. There is a page with prompt sentences like ‘this is the year your learned to…’ or ‘my favourite memory of us this year is…’, followed by a page to write your ‘letter’.

So I went and purchased three of these books, one for each of my step sons, for me to write a letter to them on each of their birthdays. I am hoping to be able to write these messages on their actual birthday when I don’t get the chance to see or hear from them. Yes I can’t write in the first few pages of their birthday book, but I can write our story from the time I met them onwards. I hope I can gift it to each of them when they turn 18 and being boys they might not empathise with how much it meant for me to write the letters. However I can only see positives in taking control of this situation that I felt completely helpless to change.

I have since written a number of entries in the boy’s birthday books. I have really enjoyed reflecting on the year that’s been and feel privileged that I have been witness to their growth. This simple act for me has greatly helped me focus on what I can control and take ownership of being the boys step mum. I no longer feel sad on their birthdays but look forward to carving out some time in my day to write about our shared memories.

About the Author: Sydney Ferguson* might be a pseudonym however the experiences she shares are true. A mum to a four month old boy, step mum to three boys aged 6, 10, 12, wife, daughter, sister and aunty who resides in Australia. Her house always has country music playing in the background and you can find Sydney most days working with the horses, gardening or practicing yoga. Blessed with one dog, two horses and multiple chickens and birds, she is not only a human mum but also a fur mumma too and loves both of these roles. The aim of her sharing her experiences is to connect step mums and provide a safe place for discussion on the unique, confronting and sometimes humorous challenges faced in this role. You can find her sharing her experiences at fb.me/mystepmumjourney or guest writing for numerous mum blogs nationally and internationally. Connect with Sydney through @mystepmumjourney and through  mystepmumjourney@outlook.com

Village of People

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Guest Blogger: Sydney Ferguson

I recently wrote a Facebook post, celebrating my son’s six month milestone and thanking my ‘village of people’ for all their help. What I meant by this was the support I received from my village: my husband, step sons, mum, sister, other family members, girlfriends, the child health nurse etc during out first few months. Although it took a lot of adjustment, tears, laughs, frustration, tiredness, hugs and exhaustion I felt supported throughout my journey of being a new mum. Once I had written the post I thought about who and what had helped me on my journey as a step mum.

The first person that came to mind is my Husband. We have definitely had our ups and downs and I have learnt a great deal about him and me, separately and together. I have learnt different ways to communicate, including when to walk away and return to the topic another time. I guess the biggest thing is, is that we do communicate. Talk, laugh, sometimes argue and basically being honest with each other, always. It has not and will never be perfect, but it’s us and I am confident that we love each other and our children collectively very much. He is an incredible source of support, and although our relationship is the reason I am a step mum, I still say I couldn’t do this without him.

As great as my husband is he is not a step mum, and he has quite openly said ‘I couldn’t do what you do’. I have only ever met one other step mum in person who is a lovely lady and really opened my eyes to how different step family situations can be. She is quite opinionated, maybe this is due to her incredibly challenging family situation, more challenging than my own. So while our friendship shone light on the many varied dynamics of step families I didn’t find our relationship particularly helpful or positive when it came to my role as a step mum.

I thought about my girl friends and how a great support they are for me in general. In regards to my role as a step mum though, they either nod sympathetically and say ‘I couldn’t do what you do’ or aren’t that interested in talking about the role at all. It is maybe unfair to expect them to be anything but a sounding board for my journey as a step mum, that being an important role in itself.

What I think that’s helped me the most, and probably gave me the first idea for sharing my experiences online, is the many online support networks available. I am going to name specifically the pages/ blogs I follow as there are a variety of different types of forums out there. Just as there is with parenting and mum blogs, there are varied step mum blogs, though I believe not as many step mum blogs in comparison. I was initially hesitant to interact on any online platform, as I didn’t want to surround myself with negativity or hate and blaming content. I didn’t want to victimise my situation nor ask for sympathy and certainly didn’t want to be preached to about what I should do and feel. I thought because step families are so challenging, that this is all I would find but I was pleasantly surprised. What I discovered were a number of positive online communities, some researched, some written by professionals and others written by step parents themselves.

I have easily been able to skip past articles or blogs that hold no relevance to my situation nor pique my interest. I have been able to read up on similar experiences and laughed or cried along with other step mums. I think the two biggest gifts from this online village is firstly the feeling I am not alone in what I am experiencing and feeling. Secondly it is the useful strategies I have learnt along the way. I strongly attribute being part of the following online communities has helped empower me as a step mum:

Stepping Through (AUS) Facebook and blog
Step Families Australia (AUS)
Step Parent Magazine (UK) Facebook and /or subscribe
Step Mom Magazine (USA) online subscription

About the Author: Sydney Ferguson* might be a pseudonym however the experiences she shares are true. A mum to a four month old boy, step mum to three boys aged 6, 10, 12, wife, daughter, sister and aunty who resides in Australia. Her house always has country music playing in the background and you can find Sydney most days working with the horses, gardening or practicing yoga. Blessed with one dog, two horses and multiple chickens and birds, she is not only a human mum but also a fur mumma too and loves both of these roles. The aim of her sharing her experiences is to connect step mums and provide a safe place for discussion on the unique, confronting and sometimes humorous challenges faced in this role. You can find her sharing her experiences at fb.me/mystepmumjourney or guest writing for numerous mum blogs nationally and internationally. Connect with Sydney through @mystepmumjourney and through  mystepmumjourney@outlook.com

The Chosen Parent

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On Monday 3rd September 2018 Phoebe Wallish our Executive Officer at Stepfamilies Australia was asked to join Kelly Chandler author of The Other Mother (an extremely honest and humorous memoir, you can purchase the book here) to chat to Phil Clarke on ABC Nightlife.  Check out the podcast here and let us know what you think? We feel fortunate to get the exposure to shed the light on some of the positives and of course challenges that step and blended families face!

Beating Rain Day Doldrums

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Guest Blogger: Jenny Wise

When school’s out, kids will play – unless the weather is bad. But rainy days don’t have to ruin your child’s fun. Shake them up with fun activities to build their brains and burn their energy. Here are some smart ways to get kids moving and learning on a rainy day.

Grown Up Learning

This is a good time for teaching kids grown up concepts with a mini-homeschool day. For example, you can use games to teach kids about money. The Game of Life and Payday are two popular board games that can help while The Sims provides an online life skill learning experience. Read more ways to teach kids about money from The Balance.

As real estate experts of Redfin note, “Real estate is a complex field that requires skills in math, science, English, social studies and home economics. By incorporating real estate-based lessons into your curriculum, you can help students gain valuable skills in practical math application, presentation giving, forming a persuasive argument, earth science and so much more.”

Think it’s too complex to teach kids real estate? Think again! After all, real estate is the basis of Monopoly. Read how this mum is training her children on this subject at Bigger Pockets.

Finally, you can teach music lessons to younger kids. For little ones, this can help develop their brain, teach them rhythm, and sets them up for math skills. Search YouTube for music lessons for your child’s age range.

Time for Experiments

Set your kids up with safe, indoor experiments that are fun for them and educational too.

  • Weather: What a perfect time to create a rain experiment! Check out these nine rain experiments from IGameMom for kids, including making rain in a jar and creating a cloud.
  • Kitchen Science: What kid doesn’t love playing with their food? Here are 10 kitchen science projects for your kids with intriguing names like “Dancing Raisins,” from Make and Take. Or, grab a few items from your cabinets to invent edible glass. It will be a feast for your eyes.
  • Classic Kid Experiments: Homemade slime? Check! Potato power? Got it! These 28 activities from Red Tricycle will delight your kids and bring back memories of your own childhood.
  • Geology: Ready to teach your kid something neat? This homemade lava is fun to make and timely. Teach your children about the power of nature and how volcanoes impact the E

Arts and Crafts

There are some amazing arts and crafts projects you can do at home, both online and offline. Here are a couple:

  • Fabric Projects: If you have felt, yarn, ribbon, or fabric, you can get your children started on fun projects. This list includes activities that are fun and practical, such as making Cat In The Hat’s hat or a barrette holder.
  • Crafts for Tots: If you think your child is too young for all this, you can have fun with simple activities, like showing how things mix – or don’t (think oil and water). Or, you can have fun painting with shaving cream and food dyes. Or, put raw rice in a plastic egg and glue it shut to make your own maracas.

Move It!

Now it’s time to get the kids moving! Here’s how:

  • Search YouTube for exercise videos for your kids. You can look up a specific exercise they want to learn such as yoga, dance routines from their favorite pop singers or workout routines.
  • Take the cushions off the couch and create a fort. You can even play capture the flag if you have Nerf toys.
  • If your kids could use some help with motor development, this post from What Mums Love includes a whopping 87 activities to burn energy when they are stuck indoors.

Rainy days are no excuse for the doldrums. Find some age-appropriate activities to build your children’s brains and keep them moving!  Even getting outside and jumping in puddles can be lots of fun for kids of all ages! There’s only so many movies/ ABC for Kids we can all watch!

About the Author: Jenny Wise is a homeschooling mom to four children. She created Special Home Educator as a forum for sharing her adventures in homeschooling and connecting with other homeschooling families.

Celebrating Step and Blended Families on National Stepfamilies Day

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How do we acknowledge the hundreds of thousands of Australians who are either living in or are a part of a stepfamily?!  Did you know we have a NATIONAL STEPFAMILIES DAY??  It is held every year on the last Sunday in July, this year that will be Sunday 29th July!

Those who care for children, despite not having the biological and legal recognitions that parents have deserve recognition and celebration! National Stepfamilies Day is a day to recognise ALL family types despite our difference.  It also recognises that step and blended families are the FASTEST growing family type in Australia!!  In America Step and blended families make up nearly half (46%) of family types and we are closely following with 1 in 4 families being step or blended!! It is seriously the new normal and despite how negative “step” sounds we all have to start embracing it and learning and understanding the structures around these family types that make them so unique!!

Will you celebrate on National Stepfamilies Day??  If so, we want to know how!!  How will your family celebrate and/or acknowledge its awesome differences? Let us know on our facebook page here: https://www.facebook.com/stepfamiliesOZ/

At Stepfamilies Australia we understand the uniqueness of step and blended families.  We understand that with a little support and help you can actually improve all your relationships however complex they might be.  We also understand the struggles and at times how challenging these structures are! We have spoken to and counselled thousands of step and blended families and have come up with some really awesome tips and tools on our website https://stepfamily.org.au/tip-sheets/parents/

Things you could do to celebrate National Stepfamilies Day:

  • Have a family picnic (at the park, in your back garden etc.)
  • Organise a day out (museum, zoo, markets etc.)
  • Go camping
  • Go out to your favourite café/restaurant
  • Have a games day/night, play your favourite board games
  • Make special cards for each member of your family and let them know how much they mean to you
  • Cook together, make something special and share it all together
  • Make up a family song
  • Make your own family movie (you could do this every year then have movie nught to watch them)
  • Play sports
  • Make a family calendar or scrap book
  • Have a PJ party
  • Come up with your own family symbol/crest or mascot!

We know that many families won’t be able to celebrate on the actual day.  Try not toworry about that!  Make it about the ‘getting together’ not the actual day itself! Change the day to suit your family if needed! Whatever you choose to do acknowledge how far your family has come, and if you are on social media share it to our Facebook Page https://www.facebook.com/stepfamiliesOZ with the #stepfamilydayAUS

Stepfamilies Australia have written a book for early readers about a 10 year old boy who goes through the process of becoming a stepfamily.  A great read for early readers and brilliant to read together as a family! For more information on Ossie’s World Upsidedown head here: https://stepfamily.org.au/book/ossies-world-upside-down/

We also built an app – MyMob – www.mymob.com – the app allows family members to communicate virtually even when physically apart; sharing photos, messages and information, like you might do across the family table, but in a safe, online environment. We are also really keen to hear from you! What would make stepfamily life easier? What would you like to see more of for Stepfamilies? Email at info@stepfamily.org.au or reach out on our Facebook page https://www.facebook.com/stepfamiliesOZ

MOTHER’S DAY’S FASTEST GROWING SECTOR – STEPMUMS

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Step and blended families are the fastest growing family type with 1 in 4 families now spending some time in a step or blended family.  This Mother’s Day will be a very different experience for the 40,000+ women around the country who are step mums involved in raising other people’s children and make extraordinary sacrifices every day in doing so. 

Step mothers out number stepfathers 3-fold and are not the stereotypical wicked, evil mothers that constantly gets played out in our fairy tales and media.  They are capable, resilient, supportive and above all loving even when at times they are challenged in the most complex of ways.  They accept all the perils of the job daily and for that we need to acknowledge, give thanks and appreciation especially on May 13th this Mother’s Day.

A child should not be coerced to thank their stepparent on Mother’s Day. However, encouragement from their biological or primary parents to offer some thanks and acknowledgement of their mothers, stepmothers or any women in a caring role this Sunday 13th May.  This could be:

  • Writing a card
  • Sending a text/ GIF
  • Sending a small video through a private message
  • Reaching out on social media
  • Meeting up for tea/lunch
  • Giving some flowers etc.

Taking on the care of somebody’s children is always something that deserves our acknowledgement, respect and appreciation

At the Stepfamilies Australia website www.stepfamily.org.au you can find further information for tips, resources and links to advice and support that promote the best outcomes for children, young people, parents and stepparents.

We have also just release a brand new, early readers book written by the founder of Stepfamilies Australia, for children 8 to 13 years (but can be read by the whole family) “Ossie’s world upside down” highlights the stepfamily journey through the eyes of a 10 year old boy. 

#thanksstepmum #stepmumsrock #supermum

For all media enquiries– contact Phoebe Wallish, Executive Officer Stepfamilies Australia on 0411484879

National Families Week in Tasmania

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Positive Solutions is a grass-roots Tasmanian Not-for-Profit Organisation that has been providing support to our community for nearly 30 years, adapting to the changing needs of Tasmanians. Positive Solutions has certainly seen a lot during its many years working with separating families, workplace & Community conflict and providing counselling support to individuals, couples and families. It really is no wonder then that Positive Solutions is an Organisation that understands the needs of our Community.

What many don’t realise is Positive Solutions is the Tasmanian branch of Step-Families Australia, providing step family specific counselling, mediation and support. “The changing needs of families in Tasmania is seeing more and more families ask for support with step-family issues,” says Family Program Manager, Maryse Street. “We identified this need in our Community and responded. As a result, we now offer step-family specific counselling and mediation. We also offer counselling and mediation for all modern families including ‘whole-of-family mediation’ where sometimes we have all members of a family including young people, in the one room discussing the issues and working toward ways forward.”

In honour of National Families Week 15-21 May, Positive Solutions is hosting a seminar to assist all kinds of modern Tasmanian families achieve successful family relationships. The Organisation is hosting a FREE one hour seminar at 162 Macquarie Street with Counsellors and Mediators trained in working with complex modern family issues. “Keep in mind, many of us have experienced the issues first hand and really understand,” Says Family Program Manager, Mishelle Zara. “We hope that this free seminar will provide skills and tips for creating harmonized successful relationships.”

For More information contact Positive Solutions on 6223 56 12 or go to; the National Families Week website; https://nfw.org.au/ or Step Families Australia https://stepfamily.org.au

AUSTRALIAN STEPFAMILIES FACE THEIR MOST CHALLENGING TIME

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Helping your Stepfamily over the Holidays – ‘The Survival Guide’

Contemporary Australian families look significantly different to what they did a generation ago.  There are new and old parents and partners and siblings, not to mention different cultures, religions and traditions –step and blended families face unique difficulties over this so called “most wonderful time of the year”.

“More than a million of us are in stepfamilies, and they can be a truly wonderful yet sometimes challenging experience,” notes Stepfamilies Australia Executive, Phoebe Wallish.

Peak organisation STEPFAMILIES AUSTRALIA has released a ‘Stepfamily Survival Guide for the Holidays’, as well as offering a useful free app to help the 1 in 5 of us in step/blended families to harness positive communication.

GUIDE TO STEPPING UP TO A LESS STRESSFUL HOLIDAY SEASON:

  1. Be realistic with your expectations – It is the season of giving – so ‘give’ a little, accept that it not always possible to please everyone, including yourself! You may have to divide up your holidays or ‘your time’ with the children.  It doesn’t all have to be on the one day, suggest options and be open to later in the week or even in the New Year, it’s the getting together not the day that counts.
  2. Spending time rather than money – Presents are good but children do want happy, fun and calm times with their parents and their families – these are the memories that they store and recall as adults.  Make sure the experiences and memories are good by making the most of the time together.
  3. Honour the ‘old’ and Create the ‘new’.  Ensure you keep some traditions from before you blended, as kids hold onto these, but also start to create new traditions as stepfamily. It is as a good opportunity to involved everyone to ‘cherry-pick’ the best of your combined and collective family histories and experiences.
  4. Offer time, support and understanding – particularly for stepchildren and stepsiblings, acknowledging at first that they have no shared family histories. Don’t pressure kids to feel or act in certain ways. Make the time special for all whatever it might look like.
  5. Remember perfect families don’t exist – Despite manufactured, media images of perfect families – no family (stepfamily or otherwise) is immune from holiday conflicts, divided loyalties, competition. Try to be in the moment and enjoy what you can – All things pass – including the good and the bad – knowing this can help.
  6. Long-distance parenting can be hard, particularly at this time of year – Make sure you plan ahead and have something positive for yourself to do on the day.  You may not be able to be there with your children but keep communication open and positive – Kids these days are happy to use phones, texts or email.  It is not the same, but it is the next best thing and you will have something to share when you next see one another.

Using our FREE family-based app such as MyMob allows family members to communicate – share photos, messages and information like you might do across the family table, but in a safe, online application.

If it is already seeming to be all too hard reach out and get some advice early – it can be the most positive thing you can do for yourself and your children. We also have an interactive Facebook page and can help connect you with others in the same situation for support! Or if you need activities to help engage the kids try our boredom busters for primary school aged kids.

INTERVIEWS:

For all media enquires please contact Phoebe Wallish on 0411 484 879 or phoebe.wallish@ds.org.au

Stats you might find helpful:

  • 76% of homeless teens come from step and sole parent families (Chamberlain and MacKenzie)
  • 1 in 5 children and young people will grow up in stepfamilies (survey of family research by Pryor and Rodgers, Children in Changing Families: Life after parental separation, Blackwell, 2001)
  • One in 3 marriages is now a remarriage and half of stepfamily couples do not marry (ABS)
  • Family breakdown costs the community $3 billion per year (Commonwealth Parliament Committee report 1998)
  • Stepfamily breakdown rates are twice those of first families – (AIFS research)
  • If parents are not coping with relationship breakdown then they don’t parent well, leading to issues for their children including: higher incidence of mental health issues, drug and alcohol abuse, early teen pregnancy and school leaving, homelessness, antisocial behaviour, crime and suicide

Acknowledging Our Everyday Superheroes

Posted on by stepadm

NATIONAL STEPFAMILIES DAY – ‘THE LAST SUNDAY IN JULY’ (30th)

How do we acknowledge the hundreds of thousands of Australians who are living in a stepfamily?! Those who care for children, despite not having the biological and legal recognitions that parents have? Or when step children come together and have to be siblings?!

Life is hard for a lot of people and, for those in stepfamilies, ‘reality’ can be particularly tricky. It can be all sorts of challenging and all sorts of rewarding, and it is what confronts hundreds-of-thousands each and every day. In Australia, the last Sunday in July (30th) marks National Stepfamilies Day.  A chance to acknowledge, recognise and celebrate.

As part of the occasion, peak organisation Stepfamilies Australia is launching a brand new website www.stepfamily.org.au  An invaluable resource for all those involved in the stepfamily experience.

“We know that being in a stepfamily isn’t always a sugar-coated experience for everyone,” notes Stepfamilies Australia CEO Karen Field.

“But, in so many cases, it’s through the struggles of love and relationships that we find our best.  And hopefully our new online resources will help many people in that process.”

STEPPING UP TO A BETTER FUTURE

  • There are an estimated 300,000 children who live with a stepparent in Australia, and one-in-five Australian families are stepfamilies.
  • Many stepparents can start off as strangers to their new family, and do not have the legal recognitions that biological parents are provided.
  • Having step-siblings is also an enormous challenge for many children, but one that can develop into a positive and life-changing experience.
  • With the input of stepfamilies themselves, Stepfamilies Australia has also developed a free phone app called MyMob – mymob.com – which allows family members to communicate online, on their terms, sharing photos, messages and information.

INTERVIEWS

For any media enquiries or to arrange an interview please contact Phoebe Wallish on 0411 484 879 or 03-9663 6733 (sw) or phoebe.wallish@ds.org.au